Wander On Hipsy

It’s hard to believe that the end of the year is almost here, time really flies when you’re having fun, or really busy. Either way, how are we already here? I’ve been in a sorta funk lately that I can’t seem to shake myself out of. It’s been hard to keep up with my daily habits, the things that used to bring me so much joy.

It’s as if my desire to do anything stopped but the world did not. I’ve got my good days and bad days, and days that don’t matter in between, but recently I’ve been feeling like I’m coasting. I constantly struggle in my head regarding where I am in life and I’m switching back and forth and everywhere in between. The struggle goes from, ‘I am learning to appreciate where I am’ to ‘I’m being lazy and unmotivated and not getting to where I want to go fast enough.’

I’ve set this high standard for myself and put all these goals that I need to attain but when I don’t get there fast enough, the discouragement leads to a lack of momentum in keeping up with my self disciplines. I’ve wanted to write more all year, and though I have 20-something blog post I’ve started, I can’t seem finish one enough for it to be worthy a read by someone other than me. I’ve wanted to post more video content, and though I have the content on my phone, I haven’t made the effort to edit it all to make it watchable and posted somewhere forever. I’ve wanted to finish my coaching program, yet every time I start I wonder if anyone would even hire me and if I would even be different than the rest. I’ve wanted to work out more, do more yoga, handstand, read more self-development, make more money, study more things, the list of goals is endless…I’ve done a great job at getting distracted, because if I never start and never really finish, I’ll never have to fail.

Neither here nor there, somewhere lost wandering in the middle is where I am.

I know I should be better than this. I know how easy it is to make a decision one day and just decide that it’s going to be different and then it is. But that’s just it…the desire to decide. The only desire I feel is the desire to be lost. The desire to wander and perhaps never be found…

I’m sure if I spoke to my therapist about the way I am feeling, she would remind me that my life was no longer a place I had to wander from and adventures don’t mean you’re lost forever, but my therapist has all but ghosted me so I’m left wandering and wondering.

What now?

I know I definitely won’t be wandering forever and I know this “mood” isn’t forever…with December right around the corner, there is something slowly stirring up within me. I love a new month as it feels like you can start over and get a clean slate. With the new year right around the corner I know I’ll need to get my shit together and stop wandering. Maybe I’ll update my “goals blog post” or this time post a youtube video of the process.

Maybe, maybe, maybe….?

Tomorrow is still November, so I’ll continue to wander on, I think I just needed to write this as a reminder that though I wander, I am never truly lost.

Not all who wander are lost…

A.A