Down the Rabbit Hole…10 Day Meditation

It’s taken me awhile to write this because the journey that I went on is so personal and I’m sure everyone’s journey is different. I hope that sharing my experience does not keep anyone from taking the leap and trying something like this because it was so worth all the hard stuff.

Where to even begin?

What a rush, what a journey, what a ride those 10 days of my life were. I couldn’t have even begun to imagine all that would have happened in there, and it’s really an experience that once in your life if you ever find it in you, you should try. 😉

But let me start at the beginning….

After getting canceled again in April due to the winter storm in Texas, I signed up for the waitlist in May, knowing that if the universe wanted me to go, then I would get it.

Several weeks before it started I got an email confirming I was accepted into the retreat and the countdown till the day began.

May 19-30, the stars seemed to all align right. I had just finished the last classes of management training that I handle at my job and I would get back home on the day before Memorial Day so I could celebrate my 7 years of freedom (another story for another time.)

I requested my days off, made my arrangements and before I knew it, I was driving to Dallas.

I checked in around 4:30 pm, and was told I could keep my phone until orientation at 6:00 pm. I was given paperwork to fill out and instructions on where to find my table where I would be eating for the next 10 days.

There were 4 dining halls and each table was turned to the wall with dividers to encourage no talking. I was sitting alone at my table and had a great view of outside from my seat.

After filling out the paper work. I headed to my bedroom. It was modest and I was glad I had my own bathroom. As I started unpacking I noticed that it was pretty hot in my room, the hall thermostat was set to 77 degrees! Now I’m all for heat but 75 is definitely my max…I figured they would turn it down later…(they didn’t.) 😣

I walked around the venue excited to finally be there, excited to finally begin this journey that I had been preparing to go on for over a year.

We had a light dinner at 5:00 pm and I texted my family my “goodbyes for now” and turned my phone in at the orientation hall when I finished eating.

Noble silence began at 6:00 pm right after orientation. 10 days of not having to talk too anyone…this was my favorite part.

Lights out were at 9:30 pm and since I had no phone, no reading material, and no writing allowed, I went right to bed as there was nothing better to do.

The gong went off at 4:00 am and again at 4:30 am everyday, to remind us that we were suppose to be mediating from 4:30-6:30 am.

I had barely gotten any sleep with the temperature at 77 degrees and the tiny 4 inch fan we were provided with in our room barely did anything to keep me cool.

6:30 am was breakfast and I headed to the hall to see what I had in store for me. All the food was vegetarian so oatmeal, cereal, and sometimes some strange looking corn bread and fruit were what I had to look forward too. I settled for granola and yogurt for breakfast, it was the only thing that would keep me full until lunch time.

We had 3 group mediation sits that we had to go too every day. 8-9 AM, 2:30-3:30 PM, and 6-7 PM. In between we had scheduled mediation time that we had to do on our own in our room or the meditation hall.

Our first meditation sit they turned on an unfamiliar voice of an Indian man, S. N. Goenka and he began to teach us about paying attention to the triangle space that our nose was located, noticing the breath that was coming in and out.

I’ve practiced anapana mediation before so it was easy enough…so I thought…the first hour was the hardest. I had to pee so bad, my legs ached and I probably moved a million times.

For the next 3 days, each time we sat we practiced anapana meditation. And each instruction afterwards was to practice more anapana mediation.

Was this really all I came for? Anapana mediation…that’s what they are going to stick with. I wondered.

The 77 degree temperature in the room made sleeping at night super uncomfortable and 2 nights in I snuck into another empty room and borrowed another little tiny 4 inch fan. One fan for my feet and one for my face.

Meals were twice a day and we had fruit and tea for dinner. I went from eating 6 times a day to barely enough to keep me going so the hunger was real!

Hot water, filtered water and tap water were our only options…and by day 2 all wanted was a glass of cold water.

On the afternoon of day 3 we started to learn how to mentally scan our bodies while meditating. At first it was hard, I kept forgetting which body part I was on and every sensation felt like I had an itch I needed to scratch.

Between group mediation sits after receiving instructions we were to continue to meditate in the hall or our room. Sometimes I choose my room and just took a nap, other times I meditated but unless I was barely dressed the heat made concentration in my room difficult. I tried anyways…I wanted to meditate…it’s what I came for I told myself.

Every other day after morning group meditation we were called into a room in groups of 2-3 where the main teacher would ask us how our meditation was going and if we were catching on to the technique.

It wasn’t the meditation I wasn’t catching on too, it was the heat, starvation, and the sleepless nights I was struggling with, I wanted to say…but I wasn’t one to complain so I’d just answer my questions about the meditation and leave the room.

Every evening we had an hour of discourse, where we would watch a S.N. Goenka video of him giving a simple yet powerful talk to reinforce what were had learned that day. Everything he said seemed so simple, and yet so wise.

By day 4 the lucid dreams were in full swing. Every night some terrifying dream would plague me and at times I would wake up feeling so terrified I couldn’t get out of bed because my dream felt so real.

Because I wasn’t getting much sleep during the night, I didn’t meditate from 4:30-6:30 am…it was the only time I ever got any sleep, and even that sometimes carried on the dream I was having all night.

Day 5, 6, and 7 were spent meditating and crying while I tried to sort through issues from my past. The days were long and the nights were longer, with each night bringing its own form of night terrors to haunt my sleep.

But each day at group meditations, somehow I found my reasons to keep on going and the answers to the questions that I was looking for.

It wasn’t until day 8 that I realized every dream had something to do with the personal stuff I was dealing with during the day.

As the tears flowed down my face from the dream I had just woken from, I watched the lighting storm and I wondered the meaning of all this. I felt like I was cracking under the pressure, I was emotionally drained and I just wanted to go home.

I spent day 9 emotionally recovering and yet somehow through the group meditation sits I found what I was looking for and the reasons for the dreams and I came back from what seemed like the depths of my soul….alive, at peace and free.

On day 10 they broke noble silence at 9:00 am and as we walked out of the meditation hall and everyone started talking to each other, I made a bee line for my bedroom where I grabbed my tea and headed to my sitting spot on the walking trails.

There I sat, present, at peace, refreshed. While sitting there a squirrel came and sat on a branch right next to where I was sitting, and as I stared at him smiling, I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for all that I had been through, to be so aware of reality as it really was felt like a whole new world.

The lunch bell rang and as everyone gathered their chairs around to talk, I ate as fast as I could and headed back to my room for a nap.

I’m just not ready for face the world yet. I thought.

Early afternoon we gathered in the orientation hall to receive instructions on what we were to help clean before leaving, when we’d get our phones and the schedule for the rest of the day and the next day.

We were each assigned a cleaning task that we had to complete before we left the next day. I volunteered to clean the dining hall after breakfast with 3 other girls.

I started cleaning my room and packing up my stuff. Since the whole program is volunteers we had to clean our rooms for the next group that would be arriving 3 days later.

I got my phone around 4 pm and around 5 pm I texted my family to let them know I survived the last 10 days. I broke my noble silence and started to talk to the other girls who sat near me at dinner.

We had an evening meditation sit and the discourse where we watched day 10 video and then were sent to our rooms with instructions that lights out were at 10:00 pm.

One more night of heat…one more night of dreams…and soon I’d be free. The first place I would go was to get a bottle of cold water.

Day 10 night I dreamt a dream I call the grand finale of all dreams…it left me awake, aware and vowing to myself that I would never forget what I learned in here and the promises I made to myself.

At 4:00 am the gong rang and at 4:30 we all headed to the hall for our last meditation sit. One hour of meditation, one hour of a video, and then…it was all over.

If it’s possible to be high on meditation…that’s what I was. Floating in the clouds, experiencing every sensation in my body, knowing that I did it. I completed this journey and it was life changing. It was a total rush.

I headed to the dining hall where I ate a bowl of cereal and immediately started cleaning the dining hall. I couldn’t wait to get on the road.

Since I cleaned my room the day before, once I was finished with the dining room, I packed up my car and headed out.

Vide Nior by Lord Huron was the first song I blasted on my stereo…it felt so good to listen to music again.

My windows rolled down, wind blowing through my hair…as I drove down the country side I felt that feeling of freedom I had felt so long ago flying down the i10 in Houston after driving for 17 hours straight. But this time it was better, more happy, more free, more peace.

Freedom! It’s what we live for, it’s what we die for! And mannnnn….it’s a feeling worth living for and dying for when you feel it as strongly as I did driving away from the retreat.

10 years of therapy in 10 days…worth it.

I finally let go of things of the past, I finally felt free. A chapter of my life I could officially close. Everything I needed was already within me, I just had to close my eyes and find it.

Freedom. Love. Desire. Fear. It was all there. It was all human but now I saw it in a different light. As it really was…not as I wanted it to be.

To understand that nothing is permanent deep within my soul is a feeling I’ll never forget and one I’ll hold on too forever.

As I drove, feeling like I was in a free fall, I knew life would never be the same again, that I would never be the same again.

I knew who I was, I know who I’m becoming and I am fully present and accepting with where I am. This experience has been life changing and I’ll definitely be back for more.

But until then…I’ll keep up my vipasanna meditations and love myself completely as I continue down this path of learning the art of living in peace and harmony with myself.

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu.

A. A.